Sunday, April 27, 2008

PSA - NOLOSE Conference

I received a request to spread the news about the "NOLOSE '08" conference. For those interested or even curious, it's scheduled for September 26th-28th in Northampton, Massachusetts. NOLOSE invites all fat queer women, all fat trans and gender-variant folks and allies to participate. Go here for more information on the conference.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tampons ( For Fat Chicks Only!)

I wish, wish, wish someone had told me this when I was younger. Since I'm officially "old" now, I feel the need to tell you. And you alone. Well, you and a million other fat women.

Not all tampons work for all fat women. There, I said it.

When I was young, I tried tampons off and on in my late teens. I had very little luck with them staying in. If I had a heavy flow ~at all~, the thing would basically pop out before I really wanted it to. No bueno.

So, for years, I figured it was me. No way would I risk tampons. I would instead, wear the heavy pads and hope for no leaks. It was messy and well, I'm here to tell you, it doesn't need to be that way.

Not all tampons work for all fat women. The two varieties I tried were the ones my mom used and the ones that I tried in the bathrooms at school. They were relatively hard little puffs of cotton. I picture them as pellets that would shoot from my vagina. Not a good thing.

So, one day several years ago, I tried tampons again. The clouds opened and a ray of sunshine fell upon my head. It was a miracle. These tampons stayed...and did the whole "dam up the pipes and collect goodness along the way" job...and they were predictable. It was a beautiful thing! Tampons had become my friends. (For those who really need to know, they are Kotex Security brand).

For years, I've relied upon these plugs o' goodness for my sanity. Then, one day recently, while on vacation, I needed some while at a filling station. They didn't have my brand. So, with naive confidence that somehow my vagina had suddenly learned how to use the hard cotton plugs of old, I gave it a good old college try.

Bullets of bloody cotton were shot from my loins. (Artistic license!)

Not all tampons work for all fat women.

Try different brands until you find the one. You will be glad you did.

Las Vegas Show Tips for Fat Chicks

For those of us in the "fatter than average" category, oftentimes going to theatrical shows can be a problem. Live theaters are often fitted with the smallest seats on Earth. It's been years since I've been to a Broadway production in NYC, but man, I still remember the pain of the cheap, nosebleed TXTS seats we had for one performance. The seats were ultra narrow and the rows were just as narrow. I spent two + hours crammed into a seat with my thighs around the head of the person in front of me. No where to move. Aaack.

Anyway, for my recent birthday, I wanted to go with my friends to a show in Vegas that would be accomodating for the fatty-puffs in my crowd. The two that came up in my searches were the couch seating for Zumanity and the Wynn's VIP seating for La Reve. Zumanity was dark that week, so no luck there. La Reve showed no seats available for the nights we were there. Booo. I didn't have a lot of lead time, so I didn't find any other spots available. So, I pretty much trashed the idea.

To make a long story short, my sister ended up calling around while we were down there. She found out that La Reve had one VIP seat available and the rest of the party could sit in the row directly in front. BONUS! So, yeah, because it was my birthday celebration, I got the VIP ticket with champagne, chocolate covered strawberries, my own sweet waitress, an LCD screen with underwater action...and...and...the most comfortable live theater seat I've ever experienced. ME! The fat chick! Comfortable at a live theater performance! Yeah, it was a good night! The champagne was good and the strawberries weren't half bad either.

The only drawback to the VIP seating -- the price. If you're going for a special occasion, the $200 isn't tooo...tooo...toooo bad. It's only ~$50 more than the regular seats, so if you're fat and fabulous (or even just fabulous) and looking to have a sweet water-filled theater experience in Vegas, check it out! Even the regular seats were larger than typical seats, not super comfortable for super-size, but not bad for average size people. Oh, and, I love the Wynn as a casino and restaurant stop, too -- extra comfy slot chairs and yummy food. A great all around experience in Vegas! Here's info on the show at the Wynn.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Arches National Park

If you're looking for something to see this summer and you happen to find yourself in southern Utah, I heartily recommend Arches National Park. My most recent visit was yesterday with my sister and my step-daughter. It showed me even more things than I had missed in my previous visits. Everytime I go, something new pops into view. There really is so much to see, and it has this "other world" feeling that you don't find just anywhere. And for $10/car for admission, you can't find much cheaper family entertainment.

I hope to make a camping trip of it this summer. Baking in a tent on some purty red rock sounds like fun at this point. Of course when it's 120 this summer, it may not sound like such a huge blast, but I'm sure that pretty red rock will keep me warm at night! Anyway, check it out when you get a chance. You won't be disappointed.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Curious Behavior

Seeing the photo to the left, I'm going to guess that most people believe that FLDS polygamy and potential child abuse is probably the "curious behavior" about which I'm writing, but no. Something suspiciously odd has hit me about this whole situation. Perhaps, it's just my exposure to some of the history of the LDS (not the FLDS) church here in Utah and it's wranglings with the US military back in the late 1800s...

What I find odd...and somewhat suspicious... behind the removal of the members of that compound:

1. They took busloads of women and children out in a First Baptist buses. I'm guessing that the US Govt has been planning this for some time, so why did they use a church bus to remove the individuals? There's a long history of distress between LDS and Baptists. Their views are very similar, yet just enough to cause some hatred between 'em. (I've known a couple of strict Baptists who hated the mormons, yet when they took the "Belief o' Matic" test, they came up scoring highest as Latter Day Saints aka Mormon.) So, while the FLDS is even more *out there* than straight-up LDS, it seems curious that the government would use church buses to move the women and children. Why involve the First Baptists at all if this was strictly a child protection/police matter?

2. While I certainly believe there is child abuse going on in the Texas compound, I wonder how much more prevalent it is than in the US population as a whole? Take 180 kids anywhere in the US and you'll probably find 18+ who have been sexually abused in this country. So, one girl makes a call from the Texas compound to get help and we invade and tear apart the entire compound? Granted, there should be zero children being abused, but it makes me think the government is on a crusade against the oddity that is the FLDS in a religious and "polygamist" sense than in the protection of the children. It's as if the unknown ways of their world MUST BE wrong. But, from what I know, polygamy isn't illegal unless one tries to gain multiple government sanctioned marriage licenses. Living on a compound with 50 women and 1 man isn't illegal. It is odd, but only because we come from a "1 to 1" based societal norm. Also, while it's creepy to hear of a 16 year old getting married to a fifty year old man, it's not illegal in the state of Texas. So, why are we there??

I fear that when we attack small fringe groups like this, we're doing it NOT for the good of the people involved, but only to get the "nut jobs" to conform to our belief system.

Eh, I could be wrong, but it just seems too curious to simply discount....
Posted by Picasa

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Photoshop Disasters - The Blog

Looking back at some of my digital manipulations, I know I've made some silly errors. Maybe that's what makes this blog, Photoshop Disasters, so dang funny! Be sure to check out Madonna's microcephalic head here. Good stuff! I should add, too, that this is a great site to send to women (or men!) struggling with body image issues. Especially those who think that cover models, celebrities, etc *really* look that way. Take this as an example.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I'm a Twit!

Not news to most of my friends and enemies for that matter. But, just to let you know, I'm Twittering on now. It's like text messaging...or just babbling about minute to minute thoughts. Socializing through randomness. Fun! Find me here: If you have a Twitter problem, too, please drop me a line and I will follow you...follow you whereever you go....

You can see my little Twits to the right if you are viewing this on my homepage. You can subscribe using RSS feeds or even your phone to get them as texts. Probably more "pearls" of my *ahem* wisdom than you need, but it's a fun technology and it's still just in its infancy, I believe. Get it while it's hot!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Feminine Daintiness (I wish this was an April Fool's Joke!)

First, my friend Andi, an awesome chicka who attended high school with me and has a fun, albeit quite private blog, sent me a note to let me know that my photo appears when searching Google for "listerine douche". Don't use the quotes when searching. You'll find me! Sure enough, there I am in one of my less flattering quasimodo photos. I'm supposedly asking a whole bunch of stupid questions of dubious veracity. Trust me, it's not me. Anyway, I came to wonder why Andi was searching on "listerine douche". Well, apparently someone sent her info on Lysol douches. Yup, LYSOL douches. So...then...well, of course I had to look up lysol douches. OMFG. Yup, apparently in the ultra-clean 50s, women's daintiness (read lack of coochy cleanliness) was the whole reason that marriages fail. It's there in black and white, so you know it must be true. Let me put it in modern terms because I don't think that "feminine daintiness" has the same...oh, I dunno...hippness that it once did.

Hubby giving you a cold shoulder? It's cuz your vajayjay ain't fresh, girlfriend. If you have to wonder if your lovebox stinks, sister, you know it does. And your husband *knows*. Ooooh boy, does he. What's the solution? Well, let me tell's a solution of LYSOL disinfectant. That's right. Put that up there and awwaaaay goes the unpleasant odors. After you do this, your husband will be visiting *your* bed once again.
Ok, the *your* bed may be a little too post-modern for today's woman. ;-) It's just soooo crazy to even think that 1. they thought it was a really good idea to use disinfectants in this way. I mean, I'm sure they really wiped things clean, but it had to do some damage along the way. 2. WTF. I know that advertising preys upon women's insecurities even today, but c'mon, did women believe this crap back then? I kind of think they probably did. I mean women today buy into the crap that they need to be slender to get and keep a man, a job, a friend, a life. It's all bullshit, but we buy it anyway. If there's a way we can achieve the dream of "perfection" as advertisers see it, we will plunk down our change to chase it. Agggh. Kids, it's pretty simple. There is NO SUCH THING AS BODY PERFECTION. Be the best person you can be and people will want to be with you...even if your coochy isn't *fresh* every minute, or if you have a fat bum. Or you have thin lips. Or you have flat hair. Or you have less-than white teeth, etc, etc, etc, etc.

For a little fun reading, I give you a selection of Lysol ads from the 50s: